The Deepest Relationship
The relationship that defines us at the deepest level is the one we have with those who brought us up.
We learn to understand the world around us through the lens of our upbringing. The extent to which we feel safe around people depends, at least to some degree, on who was there for us as children.
When it is our turn to parent or care for children, the way we were parented resurfaces all over again. We tend to reproduce the same patterns and behaviors, even when we feel that we don’t want to. It takes some effort to parent our children the way that we really want to do it.
For me, I knew that I wanted to have a stronger and healthier connection with my daughter than I experienced while growing up. It is a priority for me that my daughter knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that she can always come to me, no matter what. I want her to know, in the deepest part of her own self, that she can always trust me, and there is absolutely nothing that can possibly change my unwavering love and support for her.
While these may sound like obvious statements from a mother about her daughter, we all know that the day-to-day reality of raising a child, alongside the baggage that we carry, can make things so much more difficult. It means that tedious daily struggles can easily take the place of the loving and healthy relationship that we want with our children.
Trust – real, deep trust, the type that we want our children to have with us, and possibly the type that we were not able to establish as kids – is something that needs to be worked on consistently throughout time. It is not a short-term goal or an easy fix. We begin to create a sense of trust, or lack thereof, from the moment we are born. Throughout our childhood, we develop a sense of how safe and trustworthy the world is.
Then come the teenage years. We all remember what it was like to be a teenager. This is a crucial time for communication, connection and, yes, trust. But it is also a time when we are neurobiologically wired to challenge everyone, question everything, and try ‘alternatives’. As parents, we really want to have the most solid foundation possible to enable the much-needed routes to healthy communication during this time. So our children never feel alone, or lost, or misunderstood. So they know that they can always come to us, safely, no matter what they did or said.
Lack of trust leads to separation, doubt, insecurity. If compounded over time, it can have an impact on our mental health in the long term, and on the quality of the relationships that we get into. It stays with us as we continue to grow, and when a new generational cycle of parenting begins. Yes, things can certainly be different, but someone needs to do the work to change it.
It is in our hands to break the cycle for us, for our children, and for their children.
It is so worth having and nurturing this type of relationship, that it is never too soon or too late to start taking steps. You will be so glad that you did it when you realize what it can do for your family.
